I DON’T GIVE A F*CK

If you have ever been cheated on, dealt with commitment issues or struggle with relationships, this blog may help you.

I want to start by giving a trigger warning for this blog. What I’m about to write may be hard for some people to read as it may stir up feelings within you that you were unaware of or haven’t explored yet. I would really suggest you seek out help and support if this blog does trigger something within you as it may be the key to unlocking who you are and understanding your trauma.

I have dove deep into motivations, at least I’ve explored my own motivations and started to witness things in other people which made me really want to write this. The statement “I don’t give a fuck” has been pushed as this narrative for freedom among my age group. 

The notion of not caring what other people think is glamorised and for good reason. A lot of people struggle because they feel like other people are judging them and they struggle to make decisions because that might not fit in with what other people want. What we decide to do with our lives, the clothes we wear, the job we choose, what car we drive. All of these can be judged and that crippling fear of being mocked for choosing something we like can become exponential if we let it carry on. 

The fear of what other people might think will stop us dead in our tracks. A quote from Ben Pakulski’s Muscle Intelligence Podcast:

“People tend to want what they think other people want” - Greg Mckeown

And I think that sum’s it up nicely. A lot of the decisions we make on a daily basis, we choose purely because we think that’s what other people would choose. So we think, “I should do that." When in reality, people like people who are passionate and who aren’t constrained by those fears. We tend to like them because it represents a suppressed part of ourselves that we are too afraid to be free. So the person who is into something so passionately that he shouts it from the rooftops is the Herculean figure that we wish we could be.

Now the reason I think it is important to think about our motivations is that we will never truly know why we do what we do if we don’t understand the unstoppable force that drives us. There is an underlying motivation for every decision you make, call it destiny, call it trauma, call it god. We do what we do for some conscious and Unconscious reasons that we do not understand. A lot of times, because we don’t want to. The truth is too painful. 

Many traumatic scenarios played out in my life, really hard problems which happened when I was a child. And a lot of these traumatic events I have brought forward with me. These show up every now and again and I have to be extremely self-aware to know that the decisions I’m making at that moment are driven by a defence mechanism. Driven by this unconscious part of myself which wants to protect the child within at all times. Let me explain in detail.

My whole life people have left me for one reason or another. When I was 5 my dad would work in London Monday - Friday, I wouldn’t see him much on the weekend because he would play rugby, but every Sunday and Monday I would uncontrollably cry because I missed my dad. When I was 7 My parents went through a divorce which meant I couldn’t see my mum as much and my dad would drop me off at my Nans every weekend (commence the crying). A close friend took his own life when I was 17, and a year later my girlfriend whom I was with from 11 left me. - Before I go on I want to say that a lot of this is “normal” life, and I understand that and so should you. Some things just happen and it is okay, they don’t need to be justified or fixed, just understand that these “little” things that happen at a young age can change the way we think, feel and act as adults. All that need’s to be understood is that the effect it had on me was profound and it changed every part of my life up until this day. 

The unconscious defence mechanism that kicks in for me is when I feel like I am being abandoned. When I feel rejected. Or when I feel I’m at risk of losing what I love. I go into panic mode and act out of spite, distress and fear. I go into survival and resort to the behaviours that served me or I witnessed as a child. 

My partner is HR advisor for a nationwide company in the UK and she went up to a conference to do a talk on mental health on what her department and company were going to do to support all of the employees. This was huge for my partner because she gets so anxious when public speaking, but she went up to this 3-day event and smashed it. She delivered an amazing presentation and was praised highly (and rightfully so) for it. This 3-day event meant she was staying away and would be going out for dinners and drinks with all of the employees. - 3… 2… 1… here enters my defence mechanisms. 

I was afraid, afraid my partner would leave, afraid she would find someone better, afraid I wasn’t good enough for her. “what if she cheats on me” I kept thinking. My partner is truly the most amazing person I have ever met and has loved me unconditionally from the start. She is a true superstar. But my own fears and insecurities kick in to try to protect myself. 

In order to protect myself, I started thinking “Well I’ll be just fine on my own, In fact I’m better on my own. You know what I DON’T GIVE A FUCK” - I would distract myself and throw myself into work purely to hide from my thoughts and insecurities. 

Now, this is something I understood and it took me a lot of talking to a friend to disconnect myself from my knee-jerk response of “I don’t give a fuck”.

That statement hides a lot behind it. It hides our true feelings. Our true motivations. If I wasn’t aware that I have these problems and struggles, I would probably have caused an argument, said something rash and been completely horrible to my partner. In fact, it is something I have done in past relationships. All because I was afraid and vulnerable. My insecurities and fear of being abandoned have pushed me to place blame on my partner for something that had nothing to do with her. You see the reason it had nothing to do with her, was because I had the same reaction with every single partner, I’d even get it with friends. If I wasn’t chosen, I was second best, if I was second best I was at risk of being forgotten and left. So where did this come from? Why did I feel like this? And what can I do about it?

If you asked me what superpower I would have, it would be to be able to fly, but a close second would be self-awareness. If I could be self-aware enough to understand why I think the way I do and catch my defence mechanisms. I would choose that. Being aware allows you the chance to push past those fears. Take a step back and realise what is going on. Being aware allows you the opportunity to completely change how you are going to act and how you are going to let it affect you. It can change your life and your relationships. 

If I become aware that I have these responses, all I have to do is look out for these feelings, the feeling of not being good enough and the feeling of being abandoned. If I’m aware I can stop the reaction, I can take ownership and I can sit with that feeling. You see it doesn’t always need a solution, self awareness is the golden ticket.

I find people hide behind the mantra “I don’t give a fuck” because it is easier to be protected by something false than it is to be open. But it isn’t true protection and it won’t last forever because you will become depressed. Depressed because you can’t be your true self and because you can not connect with anyone. You will fall into a self-deprecating feedback loop saying that you don’t want a relationship, and then you start feeling that you can’t find a solid relationship, and you will convince yourself you don’t want a relationship but in reality, behind the disguise, you believe that you don’t deserve a relationship. Either that or you blame other people for not wanting a relationship with you. When in reality you aren’t opening the door wide enough to let someone in. You will keep people at arm’s length under the pretence that no one is good enough. When in reality your fear is that you aren’t good enough. This is the problem with the “I don’t care” mentality. You do care. A lot. We all do. We are all afraid. If you have been hurt before, all you know is pain and pain comes from not being in control. So you control everything and protect yourself and hide and run and not face the truth. The truth that you care, the truth that you just want to feel enough and you want to feel loved. 

I have ran from this my whole life. I have made stupid decisions and treated people badly because of my own issues. The one difference is I always believed in love! With the same patterns repeating themselves in relationships I was open to the thought that I am the only person standing in my way of being happy. Now I’m not perfect and battle these insecurities every day. I just know when I hear in my head “I don’t give a fuck” It is a lie and I need to find out the truth.

Thank you for reading and once again I really urge you to seek out professional support and help. I am currently training to be a counsellor but I am not yet qualified. My advice would be to go into a counselling relationship looking to peel back the layers and explore who you are. Be open to being wrong, be open to change and try to be a detective in your own mind and motivations. 

You are strong! 

You are Confident!

You are Enough!