How do I stop feeling worthless?
I spent a number of years feeling worthless. And from time to time that feeling creeps back in, accompanied by anxiety and depression.
Feeling worthless is the feeling of having no value. Feeling useless to the world around you, to the people close to you and to society as a whole. This feeling breeds depression and will spiral to asking “what is the point in all of this?”
I’ve asked a few people when they feel at their worst, when they feel lost or when they feel worthless and most reply with “when I’m lonely” or “When it feels like I’m not doing anything with my life” or “when I’m bored". This is why lockdown was so bad for a lot of people and depression and anxiety shot through the roof. There was no focus! No aim. No goal. Life seemed meaningless.
I have tried to piece together a deeper understanding of why I think exercise and training are so important for mental health and I have come to the conclusion that it gives you something to get better at. You now have a goal, which you can focus on, and you know that every time you step foot in the gym, you are getting one step closer to becoming someone you want to be. You are improving.
You will probably of heard on some motivational Instagram page “the journey is more important than the destination” or “fall in love with the process” I think what is meant by this is - collect small achievements every single day. The journey is pointless if you do not feel like you are getting anywhere. That is why I think it is not the journey but the knowledge that you are improving that is the important aspect. The journey is only worth it if the destination is where you want to go, but it is also only as important as the lessons you learn and the things you achieve. Continuous improvement is the vaccine against the darkness.
Think of it as an open-world game, I’ll try to explain it for those who haven’t played one. In some games areas of the map are blocked off until you reach a certain level, and say what you need to complete the game is in this area, but you can’t go there. Why? - You haven’t gained the skills or knowledge you need to deal with the challenges in that area. You have to play the game and gain the skill points, learn what you need to learn and spend time developing your character.
That is why you need to aim at something so outrageously absurd, a goal which you couldn’t possibly achieve based on where you are now. You need to improve, get better and be better to have any hope of achieving it. So break the outrageous goal down and start at the point which is achievable and manageable for your current skill level. Then little by little, small goal by small goal, improvement by improvement. You will level up and learn what is needed to enter the forbidden area. You gain the knowledge and elevate yourself to a place where you can take on the challenges in that area.
I think training feels almost pointless when we do not have a goal when we are just going through the motions. That’s why you need a goal, no matter how big or small. And my advice is to go big. The biggest goal you can think of to achieve. Then break it down. To small manageable chunks. To the bare bones of what it will take to get to that goal. Then you have smaller goals.
For me to gain muscle I need to
Lift weights
Try to get stronger each time I go to the gym
Eat in a calorie surplus
Get 7-9 hours of sleep each night
Improve my technique
I now have a list of 5 things to try and aim at every day in order to get to my bigger goal. So every time I achieve one of these. I feel good, I’ve achieved something, I have a purpose. I feel useful.
Now on a larger scale, I think the process of getting better is what makes us feel at our best. But to get better at something that benefits myself and those around me or the bigger society I live in or the world for example. This would give me an ultimate purpose. But again, the best way to change the world is to change yourself. And if you can improve yourself, you can get better at something. You would have made some difference to yourself, your thoughts and your actions. You wouldn’t be stagnant! Which will help the people around you - this will then start to show the greatest impact you can possibly have.
I think looking at your life and seeing what you could get better at, shines a light on the possible directions you could head in order to get better. You can even break it down into different areas for example:
Work
Relationships
Personal
Physical Exercise
Spiritual
Sport
And probably more
All of these areas of your life you should look at and ask “how could I improve them?” (“I” because it is YOU who needs a purpose and focus, you don’t need other people to do things for you, you need to take responsibility and own the burden of improving the things in your life which are important to you). So make a list, 2 or 3 things that you could improve in each of those areas.
You now have a list of ways to improve your life. You now have a focus! You are now becoming useful! Becoming someone who is worth something.
I believe that the times we most feel worthless are when we are stagnant. The pull to relax and “take it easy” is appealing and adequate rest is important to give you the energy to do the work. But spend too much time in it, and turn your back on responsibility and you will feel aimless.
I’m positive Jordan Peterson showcased this with the Lion King. Simba lives with Timon and Pumbaa and loves the freedom and the “akuna matata” (it means no worries) but it also means no purpose! It means he can not become who he needs to be. Who he could be. And that is the same as you when you decide to “take it easy” too often or all the time. You remove your purpose.
This happens with pensioners when they quit their job abruptly and do not have a focus outside of work. They now have no purpose and they are staying still. They are not improving. They are not moving. They are stagnant. And cognitive decline is imminent.
Don’t drink from stagnant water, you will get a disease. Don’t drink from the pool of no responsibility as you too, will get sick. But sick mentally. This is where mental health delines and depressions and anxiety thrive - when we don’t keep moving. When we ignore the things we are responsible for. Or ignore our feeling and ignore opportunities for growth, we are denying ourselves.
That is why exercise is so important to mental health. It is often the first step in taking responsibility and doing something positive for yourself. It forces you to take action. Even if you took all the steroids in the world, you would still need to lift weights and eat ALL THE FOOD, to grow the muscle, you couldn’t take steroids and sit down all day, hoping for something to happen. To be fit or strong or have a good physique, you must put in the hours and the work to get better. To become the best version of yourself requires the same effort.
Exercise is a vehicle for self-improvement, and if you pick a goal and start to get better at it, you will improve physically but you also have to mentally transcend who you are now, to become the person you want/could/should be.
Don’t deny yourself the opportunity to be great. Set a goal and get better every day until you get close to achieving it. Then set another goal and try to improve every aspect of your life. Work on it like it is your job. Dream about who you could be and Take reasonability to become that person.
That is how you stop feeling worthless, you give yourself a reason to live.
