I HATE FISH PIE - Why everyone should be more open

Before I get into the fish pie story I want to say that this blog is about YOU. About you being authentic, being honest with yourself and challenging your fears. This is about you sticking to who you are and being honest with that, rather than hiding.

I can’t stand fish, the smell, the texture, the tongue jabbing bones. I don’t want to argue about fish pie, but I don’t want to eat it either. If you like it, that’s fine, we are all naive sometimes, we can’t all have the advanced pallet of a guy who eats mince meat and rice for 50% of the meals he ever consumes. The only good thing about The Fish Pie is the lesson it taught me at the age of 9. 

We were living with my grandparents and The Fish Pie was a weekly meal. Now my nan was so kind and caring, but fucking scary. Cream carpets were my enemy, muddy knees and dirty hands made me the best carpet cleaner in the southwest. It also made me hate cream carpets. If I would get mud on the precious carpet, my life was at risk (not literally but at the age of 9 I certainly thought it would be the end for me.)  - Now I kept my mouth shut about my hatred for The Fish Pie. I was scared to say I didn’t like it, so I pushed through and stomached it. 6 weeks this went on for. 

“How’s The Fish Pie this week?” - my nan would ask the table 

Praise and head nods from everyone including myself would follow the response. 

The Fish Pie scarred me, and every Thursday I would prepare myself mentally for the task ahead, a few weeks in I would say I was ill or I wasn’t that hungry just to try and avoid it. Week 6. I snapped. I couldn’t do it anymore. Head in hands. Crying uncontrollably. 

“I can’t do it anymore!! I hate fish pie” I exclaimed 

Shock swept across the faces of my family sat at the table and there was fear behind my eyes. “This is it. This is the end for me. If getting cream carpets muddy was a problem then turning down the fish pie would settle my fate.” I thought

My nan gave me a hug and said I don’t have to eat it, gave me some ice cream and nothing more was spoken about it. Then next Thursday came… the mental prep began and I was readying myself to take on the challenge again, but when I sat at the table there was nothing in my space. Then my nan placed infant of me with the best sausage and mash with onion gravy I had ever seen. NO MORE FISH PIE!! What a day for my 9-year-old self. 

Okay so I didn’t learn a huge lesson when I was 9, but looking back on it, it’s a prime example of why we need to be more open and honest. Life is scary and it can be really shit at times. Life is hard and because of how hard and scary it is, it can be hard to accept the truth. The truth of who we are, our situation and our part to play in it. It can make us reserved. I mean life is painful. Our trust gets abused, we get bastardised for our decisions and the world questions us constantly. Why the hell would I want to be open and vulnerable? If I’m going to get taken advantage of? Why would I want to tell the truth? If it will make me vulnerable? 

I agree. Why would you? It’s too painful to give people the power over you, trusting people is hard, and you don’t know if they are going to use your vulnerable self for their own advantage. So we decide to stay reserved and not show people who we truly are. We show people the part of us we think they want to see and can handle. But we wouldn’t dare to show them the part of us that is weird, unique or true. Because accepting who we are and putting that on show leaves us open to attack. This is why the man who is on the top of the 4x4 with the turret gun is so at risk. He is exposed. But he sees a lot more because of it. That’s the sacrifice. That’s the risk. To be free you have to be exposed, but aware. 

 Be aware that you are vulnerable, that you are not perfect, and that people are going to try to take advantage of you. But also be aware that you are resilient, that you are trying to get better and that you have people who love you. 

You can’t have a negative view of the world, because that's damnation. You commit the world to be “not worth it”. But the combat for that is love, it is embracing the struggle. In Greek Mythology, Sisyphus is condemned to push a rock up the hill, only for it to roll to the bottom every time it gets to the top. That is the burden that you have to bare, not in spite of your suffering but voluntarily taking on the task. You must face the problem to have better hopes of achieving anything. That is what all of the ancient stories tell us, that is what modern psychologists tell us. It is everywhere. You have to voluntarily face the truth, otherwise, it will sneak up on you and take you out.

Putting yourself out there, the real you makes you vulnerable to attack. It leaves you open. And that is risky but the reward for that risk is a huge pot of gold. For some reason, we gravitate towards authentic people, and we don’t trust people when they break face and lose their integrity. Something in us doesn’t trust them after that, because they are flawed and conflicted within themselves, their values don’t add up. They talk the talk but their actions are far from whom they claim to be. But the people who stay true to themselves gain the respect of many. Because they seem free from the inner torment of constantly questioning themselves. 

Now the reason the fish pie story is a good example of being open. Is because only good things come from being open. I told the truth, was honest with my feelings, and I got what I wanted. 

Think about the relationships you have and think about the parts of yourself… More than that, look at the different versions of yourself that you show to other people. And why? Why do you choose to only show a part of yourself to these people? And why are there some people you can be yourself around? The part of you, the real you, that you show to your closest friends*, why do you show them that version of yourself? 

*(maybe you will show this person to family, tho often this isn’t even the case because families have their own rules/beliefs/thoughts on what/who you should be, so you hide the real “flawed” you from your family because you don’t trust that they would understand who the real you is. It is only a select few whom you trust that person with, and even still you wrap it up in a pretty bow when presenting your flaws, The raw truth very rarely comes out) 

There is a famous counsellor Carl Rogers and he spoke about core values, and this is where unconditional positive regard and empathy come in. No matter what, a counsellor should show that they are not judgemental, that you are neither wrong nor right. A counsellor should be empathetic and try to understand you, to get down into the dark hole and sit with you. That’s what the best of friends do, the people whom you feel truly listen and understand. Those friends may not have had the training of the counsellor but naturally, they give you the space to just BE. And that is rare to find, but transformative. 

You can trust these closest people fully. The real you seek out people who will accept every part of you, that’s why it feels so good when you spend time with these people because they don’t judge, they have accepted you for you. And it feels amazing. You can be “flawed” around these people. But to everyone else you hide the “flawed” version, the real version. Why? - Because you don’t trust them with the real you, so you hide from them. 

So, join me in standing up against Fish Pie and in being honest. Honest with others and honest with ourselves.