Why do I keep repeating the same pattern?

Looking at your past to improve your future.

I think sometimes we need to ask Why? Rather than What? In a ted talk by Tasha Eurich ‘Increase your self-awareness with one simple fix’, she explained that people ask the wrong questions when trying to become self-aware. That they ask “Why has that happened to me?” “Why do all of these people hate me?” “Why doesn’t my husband put his pants in the laundry basket?” Instead of asking “What can I do so this doesn’t happen again” “What about all of the people who love me?” “What can be done to stop his pants from being left on the bathroom floor?”

Now I really do agree, we do need to ask what questions. But I think the prerequisite to this is diving deeper to look at why some things happen. And why have they happened to you? Now I believe in ownership, some things you could have acted differently and changed the outcome, but other things are just pure chance or as simple as someone else is to blame for your misfortune. But to be open to becoming self-aware and having a better future, you have to first be open to the idea that we have a part to play in the devastating way our lives have played out. Not in a “This plane has been hijacked!… GOOD” Jocko Willink kind of ownership. Extreme Ownership! (I say Jocko as a joke because if you peel back the layers he is saying we have the choice on how we respond and how we are in control of our actions) - More in a way that we need to understand just that, the heart of his point, we are in control of our lives, and we can bitch and moan about all the tragedy that has fallen upon us or we can make a decision on how we are going to respond… If a tree fell on my house, I’ll be chain saw in hand selling firewood! Lemons to lemonade baby! WOOOO AMERICA. GO JOCKO!

Sorry…

If you got through that, this is where the blog gets better. The first step in becoming self-aware is knowing you need to be. You have a part to play in every battle that is raging in your life. Knowing this can help you find a way to flank your opponent and end the war. Your opponent is you, and the war is your life. 

The part you play could just be in your reaction to a situation, so something terrible and truly dreadful may happen, but you still have a choice in your response. There is a space between a stimulus and a reaction, that space is our time to think about our response. And being aware of that is your golden ticket and the first step to becoming aware. 

The second step to becoming self-aware is you ask why… Why am I reacting this way? Why do I feel like this? Not a dramatic “Why is this happening to me?” But look into the feelings and the thoughts behind it… Then you become a detective, a detective to find a problem and a solution. Find out why is there something that has made you react the way you did… it could be a number of things, but asking why is always a good start. 

Now I’d always suggest looking inwards. Not just “why does my husband just leave these pants on the floor” but “Why does it bother me so much?” The reason is that you want to be so sure of your part to play. So that you don’t start blaming your mother-in-law for always doing his washing… it's HER FAULT! Now there is 100% a possibility (and a probability) that your mother-in-law has always cleaned up after him, and when you first got together, you did the same. So now your partner, who has never known anything different, doesn’t understand “why does it bother you so much?” He’ll “get round to it” But he doesn’t!  And he “never has picked them up”
WAIT. What did he say? Why does it bother me so much?
Well, that’s the question. Maybe your mum did everything for your dad and you vowed to never be like them. Maybe you’re using your extreme cleaning and tidying to distract you from the stresses of work. Maybe you are unhappy with how your husband doesn’t say he loves you as much. Or maybe it isn’t that much of a big deal. There is a possibility that it is again just one of those things, but that doesn’t solve the problem that just highlights it, and then it's down to pure self-will to stifle those frustrations. 

I think understanding that there could be a reason for something and asking yourself why gives you the ability to poke around in your mind and explore who you really are… With the understanding that the next question is going to be “What?” “What can I do to stop this from happening again?” “What is the reason my husband never gets around to picking them up” “What tough conversation do I need to have”

You see every scenario that pops up which makes you frustrated, annoyed and angry. This is the top of the iceberg, the bit you can see. The majority of the stuff you can’t see because it is deep within you, buried away or hidden. There is always something more going on, even if that something more is just you catastrophising and making a mountain out of a molehill.

I think you have to remember you aren’t a victim, I know it feels like we are sometimes, especially a victim to the TAX man, but we aren't. We are just like everyone else, a human who has one very important thing that no one can take away from us, and that is our reaction to situations. That is ours, and ours alone.

Let me see if I can clear this up in one paragraph. If you don’t know why you feel the way you do, then you will never know what you can do to solve it. By understanding that my insecurities drive a lot of my ego and defence mechanism, means that when I think my partner is to blame for something, I can be open to the idea, that it is in fact my own insecurities driving me to blame my partner. That my partner isn’t to blame, but my insecurities are. Knowing truly if it is my insecurities or a legit reason, or both gives me the chance to find the correct solution. By only asking what, you are shovelling buckets full of water out of the boat instead of fixing the hole. You will sink eventually because you are not dealing with the root cause. There’s a hole in your boat, understand that, then you can find the correct solution

Too often we have a knee-jerk reaction to something which has made a mountain out of a molehill and has you apologising for getting the wrong end of the stick. 

You see most of our reactions to things are due to pre-programmed defence mechanisms that are there to protect us. Often these reactions are irrational, but they are programmed in us nonetheless. So how do you stop yourself from losing the will to live? Or stop yourself from burning every single one of your partner's underwear so you never have to pick them off the bloody floor again? You become aware of why you feel the way you do, then ask what can you do about it.

So every time you feel something, ask yourself. Why do I feel like this? Then what can I do to change it?